Sex after C-section: The Advice that Women Do (and Don’t) Need
So have you heard the news that women who have had c-sections are “lucky bitches” because their vaginas are tighter than their vaginal-birthing sisters?
And have you read The Feminist Breeder’s (TFB) respectful, insightful, and altogether awesome response to this news (spouted forth by Kristen Chase in her recently published book, The Mominatrix’s Guide to Sex: A No-Surrender Advice Book for Naughty Moms)?
And have you read the honest and, at times, heartbreaking comments from TFB’s readers? The ones who share their stories about painful adhesions that make sex unbearable or the numbness that has all but taken away what was once a site of sexual pleasure or the emotional scars that inhibit their sex lives or even the traumatic vaginal births that hamper sex in a way that has very little to do with vaginal “tightness”?
Now I’ll admit, I haven’t read Chase’s book, so I can’t comment all that intelligently on the book in its entirety. Nonetheless, I’m also not sure that putting the following Mominatrix quotations in context would help me to feel less offended by them. For Chase writes that:
Quite frankly, women who have not had a vaginal birth will probably not experience as much of a change as those who have shot a baby or two out of their vag. Consider yourselves lucky, you c-section bitches.
And then she goes on to claim that:
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that if you’ve birthed a few seven or eight pounders your vagina will not return to its trim and virginal state without some effort. And even then, it still might be somewhat of a lost cause.
(Can I just leave my many problems with the focus on “trim and virginal” vaginas for another day, another post? ‘Cause otherwise, this post threatens to balloon to a book-length treatise.)
In any case, after TFB wrote her post and received (and continues to receive) over one-hundred comments (including, graciously, one from Chase herself), Chase devoted her weekly radio show to the topic of “Sex after C-section.” And I thought that was mighty bold and magnanimous of her. I mean, she writes about sex, her book containing the offending claims is about sex advice for moms, so why not respond to TFB’s critique by devoting her show to responding with respect and care to those mothers who want and even need some good “sex after c-section” advice?!
Except the advice wasn’t…well, what many c-section mamas are looking for.
At least not the ones commenting on TFB’s blog.
Notably, Chase invited a radio-show guest who had experienced both a vaginal birth and a cesarean section, so this guest did have some perspective on comparing sex after both types of birth experiences.
But she also didn’t share many of the same physical and emotional problems that leave many c-section mamas wanting some good sex-after-cesarean advice. And her lack of perspective left her advice itself a bit lacking and even infuriating at times. (In addition to focusing primarily on ameliorating the appearance of one’s cesarean scar and feeling more confident about one’s post-cesarean body with make-up and lingerie–okaaaaaaay–she also belittled the feelings of those women who were traumatized by their cesarean experiences.)
Now don’t get me wrong–I’m thrilled that Chase’s guest did not and does have to suffer through these problems. I’m thrilled that she and her baby were healthy after her necessary and emergent c-section for a cord prolapse. I’m thrilled she could say that she “felt great” the day she came home from the hospital, didn’t feel “that much pain,” and didn’t think her birth experience was “that big of a deal.” It’s really, truly fantastic.
And I only wish that all women who have undergone major surgery to birth their babies could say the same.
But they can’t.
And in response to those women who can’t say the same–in response to those women who feel emotionally devastated by their cesarean experience–Chase’s guest also commented that she has never let her c-section experience “get in the way of who she is.”
To which Chase replied that “if [women] feel guilty about what happened, it’s not going to help [them] move forward at all.”
And then she encouraged listeners to get on with their lives and “have a giggle about it.”
And then followed that up by joking that the cesarean-birthers out there should “CELEBRATE THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE A TIGHTER VAGINA THAN ME!”
As well-intentioned as the humor in these comments might be, the comments themselves are not helpful to moms seeking sex-after-cesarean advice.
They are not helpful to women who have experienced birth trauma, either as a result of a cesarean or a vaginal birth.
And for a woman who is experiencing sexual dysfunction (let alone other physical problems) as a result of adhesions or post-traumatic stress disorder or postpartum depression or incision-site infection or emotional scars or secondary infertility, the celebration of a “tight vag” is of little comfort.
Which is why I’m going to devote some of my posts over the next few weeks to SEX AFTER C-SECTIONS.
Yes. Me. Writing posts about sex.
Because even though I’m far from a sex-columnist (ha!), I also think women deserve better than what Chase was offering her listeners this morning.
They deserve more respect, more sensitivity, more insight, and more knowledge about the many sexual complications that can occur after cesarean sections.
And I even have some ideas for a few upcoming posts:
Sex after C-section is Sex after Major Abdominal Surgery
Who Has Time for Sexual Healing when You Need Emotional Healing?
The Sexual Body (Beyond the Vagina)
Vaginal Dryness: It Doesn’t Just Happen to Vaginal Birthers
Numb on the Inside/Numb on the Outside
New Moms Need “Time to Themselves” (If Ya Know What I Mean)
C-sections and Secondary Infertility: You are Not Alone
And now I ask you, dear readers:
WHAT SORT OF “SEX AFTER C-SECTION” ADVICE TOPICS WOULD YOU ADD TO THIS LIST?
Updated to add: Danielle from Momotics has archived last night’s radio show, “Cesarean Mothers Speak Out,” featuring Desirree Andrews from Preparing for Birth (and the current President of ICAN) and Gina from The Feminist Breeder. The show was a response to the earlier Mominatrix radio show, and it’s a must listen.
Sex after a c-section for me was nothing short of painful, and it has become few and far between which really stresses my husband out (understandably) because we went from a 4-7 times a week couple to 1-2 times a month couple, IF that.
I certainly can say, before my cesarean sex was not painful, not like it is today, and even during pregnancy I had no issue.
I know my cesarean, and the adhesion’s that came along with it cause this sexual dysfunction. But hey, at least my vagina is tight right?
Ick!
Danielle´s last blog ..If You Build It….. They Will Come
It’s great this people are talking about this.
I listened to part of Mominatrix’s radio show but I eventually had to stop. It was somewhere after the woman with the world’s greatest c-section said something about buying a new outfit and some make-up being a way to help women feel better about having had a c-section.
Funny enough, by the title of the show, one might think that the show was about sex after c-section; after all, it was called “Sex After C-Section”. Turns out it was really about insulting people and dismissing their feelings.
FamilyNature´s last blog ..All Day Kindergarten is All the Talk
@FamilyNature, that is EXACTLY where I became totally and utterly exasperated with the show. It was as if all c-section mamas were looking for was a way to hide the “blemish” of their scar.
@Danielle I cannot tell you how sorry I am to hear about the toll that your c-section is taking on your sex life and your sexual enjoyment. I’ve heard you talk about it on your blog before, and I think that you are brave to speak up about your experience. It just boggles my mind that so many people are under the delusion that the only way that birth can affect sex is by making a woman’s vagina more “flabby” after her babies “shoot out of her vag.” (Don’t get me started on that one…) Adhesions, emotional scars, numbness, incorrectly repaired tears and episiotomies (sadly, I could go on and on): these are important yet often ignored contributors to sexual dysfunction after pregnancy and birth!
Chase’s c-section comments not only alienate many women, but also the husbands/partners of those women. Most of us witnessed the bloody trauma and then had to support our wives through this overwhelming challenge. She clearly lacks the ability to see outside her own little world.
I’m confident your proposed posts will actually offer real help.
@JohnCC – Thanks for the kind words. I was actually thinking last night that a post on the partner’s perspective would be a good one to include on the list–one that addresses not only the myth of the “tighter c-section vagina” (good fucking lord) but also the emotional toll that a c-section can take on a woman’s partner.
I wish more people would focus on the fact that sex after a c-section can be painful. It makes sense that a vaginal birth would create some changes, but, after my primary c-section, sex was painful for months. I didn’t expect that at all. No one ever told me that was even a possibility. Until Gina’s post at TFB, I had no idea other moms had the same experience.
I really wish there were more posts on sex after a cesarean as far as physical changes.
And I ABSOLUTELY agree that the emotional toll on both mother and partner should be examined. That was mentioned more than once on the podcast and I think people don’t realize that effect exists and how that can sabotage one’s sex life.
Reiza´s last blog ..I’m going green.
I wanted to say that I was also disappointed to see her reduce this (on twitter) to a “well, this book isn’t for everybody.” Really? Because her response on my original post said basically the exact opposite sentiment. She claimed in her response that her statements meant to include mothers of ALL different birth experiences (okay, how?)
So to go from “well, I said those things to include everyone” to “well, if this book isn’t meant for all mothers” – that’s a pretty large, contradictory leap. I’m guessing she’s already sold so many copies that she’s not too worried about the 1/3 of women in America who’ve had cesareans – or any birth advocate/professional who’d find those statements unhelpful to women. I’m glad her book sales are doing so well she doesn’t feel the need to sell the book to mothers anymore.
TheFeministBreeder´s last blog ..Cesarean Moms Mobilize in Support of One Another
I would like to see articles on how to deal with the fear surrounding sex. Fear in the beginning that the pain means something is wrong, and that you’re being injured when you have sex. Fear later on that you might become pregnant and have to go through another surgery. Fear that you might not be able to get pregnant again, and if you are, that you might have a miscarriage. Fear isn’t sexy, and it’s a whole hell of a lot more debilitating to a healthy sexual life than worrying about how your vagina looks.
Traci Perg´s last blog ..We Did It!
Sex after having a c-section isn’t something to jump into. C-sections require healing both physically, and for some women, emotionally as well. Jumping into any activity too soon can prolong healing.
The best advice is to follow the guidelines your doctor sets for you and then listen to your body.