Dear Baby: Thirty-Eight Weeks, One Day
Today is my birthday.
Some might think that I’d like nothing better than for you to be born today.
I beg to differ. I BESEECH THEE TO DIFFER.
I. Don’t. Want. You. To. Be. Born. Today.
And to explain why that’s the case, here are the top ten reasons why you cannot be born today.
1. Today is my birthday. That should be enough of a reason.
2. I am very selfish about my birthday. I don’t care if this makes me sound like an immature bitch. (Yes! I just said ‘bitch’ in a letter to a BABY! CALL THE POLICE! SEND OUT THE SIGNAL! SHE’S UNFIT TO BE A MOTHER!) I simply don’t want to share my birthday with anyone in our family. Sure, maybe a niece or nephew or grandchild would be alright. But I’m not sharing this day with anyone else in our house. Not gonna do it.
2a. And that’s because I don’t want to share future birthday celebrations with anyone else. For who will get to pick where to go to dinner? Whose birthday party will my mind be preoccupied with as my own
unspecial day nears? Who will get all of the attention? You. YOU! And that’s in large part because you’ll be more adorable than me for at least the next thirteen or so years.
3. Who wants to spend their birthday in labor? Not me.
4. My Blessingway is tonight. I don’t want to miss it.
4a. There are promises of cupcakes with homemade buttercream frosting and then raspberries stuffed with lemon frosting at said Blessingway. I don’t want to miss out on this food.
4b. There’s going to be henna! On my belly! And I don’t want to miss that either. Because this is my last pregnancy. And my belly has never been henna-ed before. So. Hold your horses, kid.
5. If you’re born on my birthday, that means that I’ll also be recovering from childbirth on at least part of my birthday. Now, it’s not that recovery is necessarily a negative (or painful, uncomfortable, etc.) experience. But it’s not always a picnic either. And since I’m feeling better than ever in this pregnancy, I’d rather stick with the comfort I know than risk the potential discomfort I don’t yet know.
6. I also have plans to go out for a birthday brunch at one of my new favorite local restaurants with your dad and your brothers. And you know what? If I don’t get to eat my birthday brunch, then you don’t get to either. And because this meal will most certainly be delicious, you have a vested interest in stalling your birth, oh uterine dweller.
7. Did I mention yet that it is my birthday? Just in case it’s not quite clear, IT’S MY THIRTY-FIRST BIRTHDAY! And though you’ll be one of the best gifts I ever receive in my lifetime, come on: I think you’d be much better suited as a “best all-time present” than as a mere “birthday present.”
Think about it.
p.s. If you do happen to arrive today, please know that I won’t be nearly as much of a bad sport about it as I may appear right now. I’ll love you with all my heart (and then some) no matter when you arrive.
Please note, however, that I’ll still give you shit–even if only a little bit of shit–for now and forever if you choose today as the big day. And yes, I just said ‘shit’ to a baby. I’M SELFISH AND IMMATURE AND THE WORLD’S WORST MOTHER! (You can print that up on a t-shirt and give it to me for my next birthday.)
Update: Thank you for indulging me in my immaturity and selfishness yesterday! You’ve allowed me to continue my existence without any birthday competition, and I thank you for that. Now we can just play the waiting/guessing game in anticipation of your arrival!