How Do the World’s Best(Worst) Parents Get Laid?

We're either awful parents or awfully creative when it comes to finding ways to sneak in a quickie.

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How Do the World’s Best(Worst) Parents Get Laid?

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This post is an exercise in over-sharing.  It is wildly inappropriate, terribly embarrassing, and wholly indicative of just how much of a challenge sex can be when you have small children.

With that being said, this post is also meant to make you feel better.  That’s right, you should feel better about yourself when you read this.  Because you’re either gonna say, “Oh GOOD, we’re not the only ones!” or (more likely) “Oh thank GOD we are such better parents than THESE AWFUL PEOPLE.”

So you’re welcome.  For making you feel better about yourself.

Here we go.

 

Since welcoming our third child into the world, finding the time and space for sex has been rather difficult for Tim and me.

In fact, let me revise that statement.  Since our third child decided to forego both naps outside of our arms and stretches of sleep longer than three hours at night, finding the time and space for sex has been rather difficult to do.  And by “rather difficult,” I mean a few slivers away from “DAMN NEAR IMPOSSIBLE.”

It wasn’t so challenging back when we had just two kids.  (Need I remind you of the time we sneaked away for voracious vampire porn star sex when I was pregnant with Eric?)  It wasn’t even all that challenging back when Eric wasn’t such a high-needs baby.  I mean, we could at least make time for a little quickie in the shower a time or two each week while the older kids were playing and the baby was rolling around or (oh sweet, distant memories) sleeping in his crib.

(And allow me to state for the record: since having kids, the shower has become our most boring spot for sex.  PLEASE!  JUST GIVE ME SOME STRAIGHT-UP BED SEX!   It has become so rare that it would be downright ADVENTUROUS for us at this point!  Oh, hi Mom!  Are you still reading?)

But that has all changed now.  There is not one moment during the day when one of us is not

  1. holding Eric
  2. sleeping while Eric is touching us
  3. doing something else while Eric is screaming because he wants us to be holding him
  4. doing something else with at least half an eye on Eric because when he is happily not in our arms, he is either eating or on the move, trying to climb or eat or get into things that he isn’t supposed to climb, eat, or get into

And about that shower sex?  If we do try to take a shower together, Eric is screaming bloody murder in his pack n play at least 75% of the time.  I don’t know about you, but nothing kills the mood like a screaming baby.  I mean, I can barely concentrate on making sure that I don’t rub shampoo in my eyes when my baby is screaming in the background!

(Let me just tiptoe around another issue by stating that my time for “self care” is pretty much ZILCH.  ISN’T THIS POST MAKING YOU WANT TO HAVE LOTS OF BABIES?!?!?!)

In any case, one day last week I hit a breaking point.  I’m a person who enjoys sex, and I enjoy having sex with my husband, and the lack of sex in my life was making me very, very sad.  (<—-This is what we call an understatement.)

So Tim and I came up with a plan.  A devilish plan.  A desperate plan.  A devilishly desperate and wonderful plan.

We put Eric in his pack n play.  We ensured that he had age-appropriate toys with which he could play.  We scoured the bottom of the pack n play to make sure that there weren’t any small bits of anything that he could put in his mouth.  We turned on “A Charlie Brown Christmas.”  And we told the older boys (ages 7 and 4) that we would pay them 50 cents each if they could keep Eric happy for a few minutes while we went across the hallway and “cleaned” the guest bedroom.

And they consented to take part in this devilishly desperate and wonderful (and possibly awful and terrible) plan.

That’s right.  We paid to get laid.  We gave our children a few quarters so that we could sneak away for ten minutes and have sex.

And they had no idea what their ten minutes of watching Charlie Brown and making faces at their baby brother was all about.

THE HORROR!  THE AUDACITY!  THE TERRIBLE PARENTING!

Of course, the full ten minutes weren’t entirely uninterrupted.  There was some sort of television emergency where Linus was frozen on the screen, and Tim needed to leave the guest room to restart the show on our DVR, and I’m nearly certain that the interruption was God’s way of doing a little finger-wagging at our morally questionable decisions.

But you know what?  Terrible and morally suspect parenting aside, I must say this:

THAT DOLLAR WAS FOUR QUARTERS WELL SPENT, YOU GUYS.

we are terrible people. but at least we’re now terribly happy terrible people.

 



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27 Comments

  1. Laura Sullivan-Green
    Laura Sullivan-Green12-10-2012

    LMAO! Hilariously inappropriate but oh so true! Thanks for sharing.

    • Kristen Oganowski
      Kristen Oganowski12-10-2012

      Doesn't it make you want a third?! :)

    • Laura Sullivan-Green
      Laura Sullivan-Green12-10-2012

      I already do! I have baby fever so bad, but I have to get a good tenure review so I am reasonably sure I won't lose my job in 2 years. Hopefully we'll get a girl this time next year!

    • Kristen Oganowski
      Kristen Oganowski12-10-2012

      Well then good luck with the baby-making!! :)

  2. Sarah Vernon-Scott
    Sarah Vernon-Scott12-10-2012

    SO awesome. I only have one kiddo at the moment, but hope to have more one day, so I'll file this in my mind for future reference ;).

    • Heather Burn Stortz
      Heather Burn Stortz12-10-2012

      Haha, so funny because it's so true! Although we haven't paid Hudson to occupy Callum, we have sent him away to turn on the TV or play his DS lol

  3. Jennifer Bailey
    Jennifer Bailey12-10-2012

    I don't think that's worse than throwing my daughter into the arms of my 17yo nephew as soon as he comes to visit and diving into the bedroom…he didn't even get paid!

  4. Dora
    Dora12-10-2012

    This actually does make me feel better, not about myself or my parenting (I am not a parent yet) But about the prospect of future parenting. I’m a doula and I hear so many stories, from women directly and from readings, that you just aren’t interested in sex AT ALL after having children. This scares me way more than the prospect of having no time to do it! Obviously having no time or space to have sex is incredibly frustrating, but honestly I think if you’re bribing your older children to keep your baby entertained so you can sneak off and have a quickie, something is going really, really right. It’s nice to have a counterpoint to the “YOU WILL NEVER WANT SEX AGAIN” dialogue. I can only hope to be in a similar position one day :)

    • BirthingBeautifulIdeas
      BirthingBeautifulIdeas12-10-2012

      This comment just brightens my day, Dora. And that quote (“…if you’re bribing your older children to keep your baby entertained so you can sneak off and have a quickie, something is going really, really right”) is something I might just have to add to “THE BEST PARENTING ADVICE EVER” manual that I will write some day…ha!

      More seriously, I agree that it’s nice to see some sex-positive parenting writing. Not that parents should be EXPECTED to be always sexually available or even interested…but there isn’t just one narrative out there about sex and parenting, you know?

  5. Julie conley
    Julie conley12-10-2012

    How’s this for inappropro: I just read this while doing diagnostic testing with one of my 6th graders (she was silently reading a section…). I’m sitting here, trying not to burst out laughing. Hilarious! And now I shall check FB… (Shhhhh!)

    • BirthingBeautifulIdeas
      BirthingBeautifulIdeas12-10-2012

      Bahahahaha! If only she knew…

  6. Erin 'Corbin' Frank
    Erin 'Corbin' Frank12-10-2012

    Bahaha! This is divine! <3 I feel so understood!

  7. Katie
    Katie12-10-2012

    Love this! We have a four, two and a half, and one… And have now managed a surprise due in August. The one year old is still in our bed all night, and the two and a half year old is with us half the time as well. It is fun to be creative;) plus there’s all the anticipation because opportunities are few and far between.

  8. Rachel Laing
    Rachel Laing12-10-2012

    Heck, I say that's not terrible–that's entrepreneurial! Your boys provided a service, and they were compensated for it. This is just the kind of innovation that is going to jump start our economy! Ha. Also, those factoids about Eric's sleeping/waking habits: shocking. I feel evil sharing this, but we transitioned Will to a crib last week. Totally cry-free. And 3 nights with one wake-to-feed and 4 nights straight through–9 to 12 hours. So a couple observations: (1) we are probably going to end up with the number of children that requires a conversion van and makes us look like a church group and (2) Will must be planning some kind of bring-down-the-house toddlerhood that will take me completely by surprise and hit me like an atom bomb. :)

  9. Tiffani Henry
    Tiffani Henry12-10-2012

    What does it say about me that this scenario seems totally normal but your spotless floors, white table cloth, and perfectly symmetrically hung photo's in the background of your photo make me suspicious…

    • Kristen Oganowski
      Kristen Oganowski12-11-2012

      Bahahaha…that is my mom's house.

  10. Tiffany Pack
    Tiffany Pack12-10-2012

    Loved this!!! ^_^

  11. Kelli
    Kelli12-10-2012

    You’re HARDLY a terrible parent and yes, this does make me feel better! I have an almost three year old that on more than one occasion has been set in front of the computer to watch a show so that Mama and Papa can have some alone time together. I just have one child (and one on the way) – not three – and not one of the three who is like your Eric when it comes to your time away from him so sister, kudos to you and Tim! Married folk gotta do what married folk gotta do and I say its excellent that you’re getting creative to make time for each other in such a special, important way. Its good for your boys that you and Tim are getting laid. It makes for a happier family sitch all around, trust me!

  12. Mr
    Mr12-11-2012

    Haha, my hubby and I have 5 kids (9,7,7,3 and 1) and we always bribe the oldest to babysit so we can have alone time. We always tell them we are going to have a shower and then lock the doors. I laughed so hard at your “shower is the boring sex location and the bed would be adventurous” comment (our baby cosleeps as well). We also use the laundry room as with 5 kids, we have no guest room!

  13. Elita
    Elita12-11-2012

    Hilarious! You guys are too cute.

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    maryland gun02-22-2013

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  18. Renee Smith
    Renee Smith02-24-2013

    You make my day every time I stop by your website. I agree with the person who said this is a sign of things going very right.

  19. Olivia
    Olivia07-27-2013

    I too am glad to have found your website. Will be back again and again. Thanks.
    Olivia´s last blog post ..Girls Wearing Yoga Pants

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