Your Guide to Pooping While Caring for a Toddler
You are home caring for a toddler. You have to poop. You don’t feel that you can safely leave your toddler in a high chair or gated-in room or other “safe space” while you do your business.
You need a guide to pooping while caring for a toddler.
Here’s what you’ll need to do.
1. Carry your toddler into the bathroom with you.
Not unless you received the “toddler upgrade.” You know, the one where your toddler willingly and happily does whatever you ask when you say, “Okay, sweetie, it’s time to stop playing with your toys so that you can follow me into the bathroom. There aren’t any toys in there. And you can’t take all of these toys in there either. Maybe just one. And we need to make this happen right now before I poop my pants.”
2. Pull off whatever clothing you need to remove in order to poop. No, faster than that. There’s not much time.
And lord help you if you ate a lot of cheese the day before because now is not the time to be constipated. You are trying to poop with a toddler in the bathroom. THERE IS NO TIME FOR DILLY-DALLYING!
3. Position yourself in a diagonal squat so that you can keep one hand on the trash can and the other free to grab your toddler if they are in the mood for mischief-making.
If you’re not prepared to act fast, they might unravel all the toilet paper. Or overturn the trashcan. Or flood the bathroom sink.
4. When you are finished, unroll the toilet paper using one hand. If you don’t know how to do this, learn fast. Also, wipe fast. The toddler will sense your distraction and will use the moment to grab a dirty Kleenex out of the trash can and try to eat it.
Because what’s worse than a kid eating their own boogers? A kid eating someone else’s boogers, that’s what.
5. Close the toilet seat. THIS STEP IS VERY IMPORTANT.
6. Wash your hands while keeping one foot on the toilet seat.
7. FASTER, YOUR TODDLER IS TRYING TO CLIMB ON TOP OF THE TOILET!
Yeah, that’s why. (And GOD HELP YOU if your toddler gets to the contents of the toilet before you can close the toilet lid and flush the contents of the bowl.)
8. And now you know how to poop while caring for a toddler.
Doesn’t it just scare the crap out of you?